I know it has been way too long since my last blog post. I've been going back and forth in my mind about exactly what I wanted to write about and what you all wanted to read about. It's been a struggle because I found that what I wanted to say I thought would be boring or not worth reading for others. However, this is what I want to do and believe I was gifted to do. So, I've decided to just keep writing. This is where I am going to share my thoughts, experiences, feelings, and desires. I pray that it is interesting enough to want to read, but if not, well, maybe it will just be a therapeutic release of thoughts that are imprisoned in my mind. Prepare yourself for a spewing of thoughts straight from my brain. Some posts may be long and wordy, like this one, while others are short and to the point. Either way, I pray you enjoy and, more than anything, see the Lord at work.
It's no secret that I am an emotional person and it doesn't take much to get me going. I thought it odd that I didn't have any change in emotion when preparing and then leaving ABQ. Except for one minor breakdown standing in the dining room of my mom's house while she held on to me assuring me it would all be okay. Considering I can cry during a commercial, the lack of emotion did somewhat concern me for a moment. I figured when I got on the road is when the dam would break and I would officially lose it. Nothing. I felt great, free, ready to explore and see the Lord work.
My time spent in Georgia was relaxing, rejuvenating, and, most of all, enlightening. The longer I stayed in the comfort of my best friend's home and under the protection of her families immense generosity, I became unsettled. Now, you would think that staying in a nice comfortable home with people who are genuine, compassionate, and God-fearing would create a sense of complete contentment with nothing to worry or concern me. At first, I was confused. I didn't understand the feelings I was experiencing because they didn't match my situation. It wasn't until we attended a service at Passion City Church that my release came and my confusion made clear.
I can't tell you specifically what was said that helped me realize and define the turmoil my inner voice was trying to communicate to me over the previous week. I do know that the worship time was invigorating. To see so many people in my age group unashamedly worshiping our great God with hands in the air and singing to the tops of their voices reminded me in that moment how much I love the Lord, and that this adventure He has sent me on is exactly where I need to be. It is really incredible to look back on that service now and see all the things God processed for me to help me understand my mission and bring me where I am today.
The pastor, Louie Giglio, spoke on anger as part of his "Goliath Must Fall" series. Anger is not something I struggle with. I'm totally the hippy child, peace loving, can't-we-all-just-get-along type, but there were so many things said in that sermon that spoke to me on different levels than even intended. Louie chose to use an illustration of statements people have made to him throughout his years as a pastor of the things they were angry at their fathers for. Just a simple but powerful illustration to remind us in the audience of what we hold on to that builds anger and bitterness in our hearts, sometimes without even knowing it. As he proceeded to read these statements off several sheets of paper, I found myself sitting in my seat trying my hardest not to lose it. Telling myself over and over that I wasn't going to cry, as I tried to push flashing images of my dad out of my mind.
There may be some of you reading this that do not know that my father killed himself in January of 2011. As you can imagine, that is an event that you will never get over. People say it gets easier with time, but I find that statement to be completely bogus. It doesn't get easier with time. You find ways to adjust and manage but it is never easier to process the decision that he made and all the pain that helped confirm that desire. Although I'll never understand it, I am not angry with my dad. To him that was the only answer to end his pain and I have no idea, can't even fathom what it takes to bring someone to that decision believing that is what is best for everyone.
As the statements from others angry at their dad continued to be read from the stage, I broke down. I sat in my seat silently sobbing, flashing through memories of my dad that are forever etched into my mind. Some great, some sincere, some hard, some heartbreaking. I'll never get to see him laugh again. I'll never get to have him threaten my boyfriend with death if he ever hurt me. I'll never get to curl up in his arms and cry, feeling completely safe and comforted knowing that in his arms there is no fear. I'll never get to reassure him that he is loved and that we need him here. If I'm totally honest, it hurts every single time someone mentions their dad. Recounts a memory or something their dad said at a critical time in their life. Laughing at how silly and embarrassing their dad is. Most of the time I just push it away and forget that the word "dad" was ever mentioned. It's all part of the adjusting and managing I mentioned earlier.
It had been a long while since I allowed myself to grieve my dad's death again. I've pushed the feelings down for so long that they needed to be released and that was the moment it needed to happen, I guess. My best friend reached over and silently placed a hand on my leg reassuring me that she was there and that it's okay to experience the wave of emotion I could not stop. It was refreshing. I felt God's cleansing presence that night. Something I had missed for a bit with the distraction of preparing for this adventure. I was so relieved to be in that service, to worship my God with my hands in the air, to hear from Him through the pastor, and to experience such a cleansing through sorrow that would not have been the same anywhere else.
It was clear to me that it was time to go. The more comfortable I grew in the Elmore's house the more I knew I was evading God's plan for me. That is where the unsettled feelings came from. My disobedience to God and the calling He has put on my life. The generous hospitality that the Elmore's showed by opening their home to me had not gone overlooked or taken for granted. I am humbled by their compassion and I can only hope to convey that same compassion to others throughout this adventure.
So, I packed my things and headed north to the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee.
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Ephesians 3:19