I knew it would come but I still wasn't ready. I truly thought I had it all figured out and handled like a champ. Well, I don't. This post is extremely vulnerable, and honestly, quite difficult to write.
Since leaving New Mexico again after my sister's beautiful wedding, the adventure just didn't feel the same. For reasons I could not pin, I felt different, like a weight settling on me. I think that's why it has been so long since I've been able to write anything. It just didn't feel right and frankly still doesn't. I know what you're thinking, "But, Ashley, you were called on this adventure. You said you knew for sure that this is what the Lord wants you to do." That truth hasn't changed. I do still believe this is where the Lord called me and that this is where He wants me to be. This is just the part where loneliness and feeling homesick comes in. To be brutally honest I don't know what I'm doing or what my specific mission is supposed to be. I know the Lord called me out here, but why?
I've made it all the way to Portland, OR after spending a couple nights on the beach in northern California. This may surprise you but it's raining here. The gray clouds blanketing the sky, blocking the sun from shining, greatly reflects my mood. There is a blanketing cloud of loneliness, fear, failure, and weakness that has blocked out the light shining in me. Jeez, it sounds so depressing when I type it out like that. It doesn't make it any less true though. Like I said before, this post is very vulnerable. I'm basically just going to word vomit how I'm feeling right now as a way to possibly work out some of these emotions.
First, let's talk about the loneliness. We all knew it would come at some point. Traveling the country by myself, it makes sense that I would begin to feel lonely at points. Even though I meet lots of different people and talk to many strangers, that doesn't remedy the longing for true companionship. It's now that I wish for a travel buddy. Someone to talk to, laugh with, and share a meal with. I always wondered if I had the capacity to travel alone. For the first leg of this adventure I think I did pretty well. I even remember having thoughts at certain points where I was convinced I could do this alone, and not only that, but that I was good at it. Silly. Now, I find it hard to shake the sometimes overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Becoming bored because I lack another's energy to feed off of. Is it wrong to want to rely on another's energy to keep me motivated at times? Whether it is or not, I do.
Fear and failure are tied together. I fear disappointing my God. I fear failing at the task He has called me to accomplish. That I will fail at reaching people He has planned for me to reach. That I will allow my fears to win out and not do anything at all. I've talked such a big game when it comes to serving God and I'm not totally convinced that I am succeeding. I seriously thought that when I faced the world I would be unashamed to share Christ with them. It turns out that is much easier said than done. I do know that I have never denied my God or my relationship with Him when directly confronted about my beliefs. However, I have not shown the compassion that He has shown me when it comes to sharing His great love with others. I hesitate and make excuses to myself why I should not say something. This is what eats me up the most inside. I feel guilty and ashamed that I lack the boldness and courage necessary to share the salvation of Christ with everyone I meet. There are tools that I know I possess to be able to speak out about Jesus, but I'm not sure how to use them. Somehow, I wonder if it would be better to be attached to a group of people that I can learn from or possibly go to school to understand how to the use the tools given to me. That would take care of the loneliness issue, too, I think.
Finally, weakness. Traveling is exhausting, especially all alone. I am responsible for all the driving, finding somewhere to stay, communicating with strangers and relying on their generosity. When I camp, there is no one there to assist in setting up, building a fire, cooking, or cleaning. It is all up to me. Understand that I did not take off on this adventure naive in thinking that it would be super simple and easy. I did not. The excitement has worn off and now the exhaustion is setting in. This is the first time in my life that I do not have a place to call home. Some place that is all mine, where I can disappear to and decompress. Currently the only space that is mine completely is my car. Even though I have had the pleasure of staying with very generous people who completely open up their home to me and make me feel comfortable, I still cannot call it home and completely relax and live as I would in my own place. There are times when I think to myself I just want to go home and chill out for several weeks before I head out again. Where there are no other people, no pressure to follow their house rules, or unending politeness. As important as it is to be polite, and I truly believe it is, it is completely draining. Sometimes you just want to be your complete, real, open, sarcastic, crude, relaxed self.
I don't know, friends. That seems to be the only answer I can offer up at this point, "I don't know." I don't know what my exact purpose is out here. I don't know what I'm doing or how I am supposed to do it. I don't know where I am going next or where I am going to sleep when I get there. I don't know how long my finances will keep up. I don't know if God is screaming the answers at me and I am just not listening.
I do know I sold all my stuff and basically live out of my car. I do know that God loves me and is working His purpose in my life for His glory. I do know that I moved when God said move. I do know that I have an incredible support system of people who continue to pray for me and that humbles me beyond expression. I do know that this is a life experience that will stay with me forever. I do know that God will use this experience to prepare me for whatever comes next in my life. I do know that my God is real, that He loves me beyond measure, and that He will honor my obedience to Him in this life or the next.
My number one goal and desire in life is to serve and honor my God, my Heavenly Father, the absolute best I can. I want to give Him everything. It is the least I can do considering the incredible selfless sacrifice He has made for me. I want to please Him, honor Him, and completely live for Him in everything I think, say, and do. I know if I can succeed at that, then He will be proud. It's just tough working through the crappy parts to get there.
One thing I do want to express to you all is my continued gratitude towards your unending support of me and this adventure. Please know that there is no way I could continue one more day if I knew you were not there cheering me on. It is your prayers, encouragement, financial gifts, and compassion that I rely on day to day, next to the strength, grace, and mercy of God the Father. Please keep it coming and I will continue to be vulnerable as we travel this adventure together. God bless you!
But as for me, I will sing about your power. Each morning I will sing with joy about your unfailing love. For you have been my refuge, a place of safety when I am in distress.
Psalm 59:16
Work hard so you can present yourself to God and receive his approval. Be a good worker, one who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly explains the word of truth.
2 Timothy 2:15
My health may fail, and my spirit grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
Psalm 73:26
And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.
Colossians 3:17